so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
