And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
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