so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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