There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
