Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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