please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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