I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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