I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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