Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
