Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
