I'd wear matching sweaters with you
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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