the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
And then my night got REAL pukey
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
