I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
it glows. i had to have it.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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