watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
