3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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