Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
