I feel great
I just peed on a car
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
