do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
