I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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