Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
