Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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