True but thats because hes a fetus.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
