I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
