i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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