My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
