Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize