can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
