but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
