No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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