I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
