i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Randomize
