I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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