mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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