Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize