Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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