I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
