Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
