hotel room ftw
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
