I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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