Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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