Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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