My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
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