I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize