community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
