I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
