By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
