I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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