What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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