Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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