I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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