I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
