Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
