I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
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