just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
