I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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