I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
