My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
