I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
