hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
