Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize