that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
