It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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