so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
The convent might be a nice break from real life
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
