You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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