Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
