I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
