Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
