if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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