I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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