Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
from now on my penis is your penis
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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