i need an iv and a liver transplant
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
