So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
