dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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