five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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