There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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